Ian Hinksman
Morning workout done and coffee in hand, I think back to my conversation with Luc, founder of our little guerrilla media outlet. We were brainstorming new content, and end up settling on listing the top six Speedos to turn heads at your next festival.
I fully blame myself for this article, after telling Luc about a festival story involving a male stripper friend of mine who would wear Speedos at any festival he attended, while popping Viagra.
Unfortunately, years later this image is still burned into my subconscious. Anyway, after a bit of research it turns out that my friend is not the only one to drip themselves in a pair of speedos at a festival, apparently this is a thing the world over. Minus the Viagra that is.
As I was saying, it’s currently early morning and my eyes are burning while looking at an assortment of crotch rockets in Speedos on everyone’s favorite online shop, Amazon. I won’t keep you waiting any longer, it’s time to strap yourself in for some serious journalism, as we break down the top six Speedos to wear at your next festival.
1. Girthy cacti Speedos
If bright yellow Speedos with a cactus on the front is your thing (and why wouldn’t it be) then this is the pair you’ve been waiting all your life for.
As we dive into the first of six, we understand that confidence is going to be a big factor in wearing these. If a lack of confidence lies around the size of your choad, then feel safe with this cacti fact.
Many smaller cacti have globe-shaped stem, offering the highest possible volume for water storage, in other words, it’s about the girth not the length.
Grab them here and earn XP if you grow a bush for full on effect.
2. A cat for your cock
As we continue with the hard-hitting journalism, we move on to the wide-eyed cat Speedos.
Who doesn’t love cats? Some more than others — we have those who literally pay their internet bill on a monthly basis to watch cat videos and those of you who are allergic. So, if someone is uncontrollably sneezing around you then don’t be a dick and step away from the allergy ridden cat hater.
Pet the cat here
3. The eagle of America is always watching you
USA, USA, USA. There’s nothing like freedom and in the spirit of this, what’s more free then walking in-between stages in a pair of speedos covered with the American flag and an eagle judging others over their lack of freedom.
I’m sorry I can’t hear you over my freedom
4. Bananas are not a source of Vitamin D…
I’m sure you caught the Vitamin D reference. If not, I feel bad for you. Let me spit some facts for you.
Bananas are a healthy source of fiber, potassium, vitamin B6, vitamin C, and antioxidants. Now you can stay somewhat healthy with our fourth pair of speedos that you should cop for your next festival.
Stay healthy here
5. War Hamster Speedos
The war hamster is ready for the sesh. If you feel compelled to be remembered while burning an uncomfortable core memory into everyone’s mind, then here’s the solution to the problem that you really don’t have.
Earn XP points by pulling in your mates and creating a squadron here.
6. Feeling a little horny
The final one will have you feeling one of three ways. You’re either: deciding on the pair that you want, questioning why the hell you have read this far, or are rocking a semi. Either way this list wouldn’t be complete without a pair of bright blue Speedos complete with a farting unicorn.
You’re welcome.
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